i'm still here

and yet i feel like i've been gone for years.

it was my way of coping, i realized. i just wanted to go away for a while and breathe.
because i was drowning.
or falling.
or both.

i needed to be by myself, pick up some pieces, and move on.

i had residual feelings of abandonment. is there even a medical/psychological term for that?

now that the air has cleared, i recognize what i went through. there were so many things going on then that i couldn't think straight, you know?

last march, all my co-teachers (save for the school owners, of course) resigned. all of them. they put up their own school, apparently. when we had our year-end evaluation, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. i couldn't believe i had to say goodbye to them, after four years of growing together in our profession.

last april, my very close friend and partner-in-crime, tet, finally migrated to florida. she waited for this to happen for years so i knew it was inevitable. but when she got the go signal, everything happened so fast, even our last time together. we didn't even have a proper goodbye because i had to go to my masters class.

last may, my mom flew to Singapore to work there. until when? we don't even know. i'm pretty sure it'll be for more than a year. then, my youngest sister, gelli, packed her bags and moved in a dorm. she's a college freshman in DLSU. my other sister, tonet? she was transferred by her company to Laguna. since then, the only time i see both of them is during weekends.

before my class and work started in june, my lolo (grandfather) died from a stroke. i was at his bedside during his last day. papa didn't want to bring him to the hospital anymore because he didn't want lolo to suffer from too much medical procedures. after the stroke, it was apparent that he was ready to leave us. he died peacefully.

while i was driving home today, it hit me. so many people dear to me left for one reason or another, in a span of three months.

life goes on, i know. and i have to stop grieving and take that crucial step to living again.

now?

i'm still working on my action research paper. hopefully, the director will approve my topic for implementation and oral defense. if all goes well, i'll be graduating. master in early childhood education. sounds good.

every weekend, i make it a point to go out with friends. there's just something about my recent experience that makes me want to reconnect with the people around me, you know? fortunately, the summer movies have been fantastic! i've watched Shooter and Spiderman 3 with rica, Fantastic 4 part 2 and Transformers with noah. and i'm meeting rica again and another college friend, melinda, this coming weekend to catch another flick (harry potter 5!).

i just attended a wedding recently. my high school friend, tintin, tied the knot with her old friend, buddy. congratulations!


of course, i have my "me time." i still enjoy my company, thank God.

i'm still working on jumpstarting my photography again. i still need to feel inspired but the wedding gave me that needed nudge. hopefully my creative juices will start flowing in no time.



those several months have been a tumultuous roller coaster ride but now i'm coasting smoothly.

i wasn't gone after all.